With a mix of Autism Spectrum and Bipolar Disorder, the seasons begin with high-functioning sensories. Everything feels overwhelming inside. The days begin to look like INTENSE neediness EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY from weeks to sometimes months. It starts very giddy and happy and with the feeling that nothing can take you down, to conquer.
Later the switch becomes a sense of easily overwhelmed feelings that manifest itself into raging anger or a flood of tears, feeling helpless, and racing thoughts. This can lead to banging on walls and furniture (before finding stability this included knocking down and or throwing furniture, holes in walls, tearing down doors and door frames, and physical altercations), screaming, and crying. It sounds like foul language yelled that has no rhyme or reason and there is no control. The need to explode with words to best describe the inner battles is bursting from the lips. Words that others can't fathom or comprehend, yet it makes sense in the moment of his despair. It is a constant need for help as if everything feels like a state of emergency.
It's a feeling of being stuck and having no control yet trying to control everything. It looks like an extreme need to want and buy anything and everything without an understanding of not having the money to buy it. It is obsessive causing a fall into unregulated meltdowns because regulating is harder than ever when you can't have it but you feel you need it with a passion. It's extreme food hoarding. It looks like too much energy that leaves you walking around in circles from room to room without knowing what you want. Nothing feels settled. It's running on sleepless nights and haunts you with a terrible crash of emotions from exhaustion after days and even weeks of no solid restful sleep. It's painful to the skin and hard on the ears and eyes, leaving you wanting to hear nothing and wear nothing. It becomes easier to isolate, yet that's the last thing you deep down want to do. All you want is a friend or someone who sees you for you. It's begging for help, but not knowing what help is needed. It's like riding a roller coaster of emotions that makes no sense.
At times, randomly, it's very exciting. You feel like a whole lot of extra and it makes you feel like being goofy and hyper, then suddenly it's very sad and lonely. Without notice, you suddenly feel a sense of the Hulk coming and you lose yourself. Finally, when all this intense chaos ends, the exhaustion of this will leave you fighting to want to live. The fight for life begins, and the very low lows kick in. With time learning coping skills, and becoming body aware, mindful, and stable with support helps the intensity to mellow, but the struggle still tries to find you. It hits you deeper than anything you've ever experienced and you sometimes feel like leaving this world would be easier.
It is a brave, beautiful soul, and young man learning to cope and fight against the turmoil within his body. It is my Mr. I who is so much stronger than I am. I stand proudly through the fights, unconditionally and always. I love my sweet boy, he didn't deserve cuffs when he needed a better Mental Health System. He deserves to be normalized with mounds of support and treatment, to be heard. Just as any other young child with a health condition. He is the true WARRIOR and I am his mother that will never stop fighting for this little man and other children stuck in this whirlwind to find their voices.