Is it just me, or do I never feel rested when I am given a break by a respite, sitter, or other provider (which is rare and limited)? This life is very difficult for a caregiver's mental health. There is just so much overwhelming exhaustion from everything I do to hold up the fort while keeping my babies afloat. I feel like I am bobbing my head in and out of the water, just trying to get to the next day. I am in a constant battle to find the positive after days of exhausting energy. The constant search for resources and others who understand. Everything, including my worries about the future and the tension of the present, is drowning out my mind. Suddenly, time passes and I have no idea where the day went. I feel at times like I've gone numb.
I can sit in my chair and do nothing, and I feel so trapped that time does not exist. This past year has beaten all the superpowers out of me. Today, I feel like I am no longer a super mom or super wife. I am super exhausted, super mentally drained, super depressed, and super lost. I can't seem to find my footing and it's so easy to hide out nowadays. I learned through 2020 that I needed to take care of myself too. While that sounds like a fantastic IDEA, I am also super awesome at throwing myself last in line for the NEEDS TO-DO list, and it super hurts. The worst thing anyone can tell me now is I need a vacation. My vacations compared to your typical vacations are a trip to the bathroom while listening to what is happening in my house and being ready to pop off as soon as hell breaks loose. I feel like I could lose most of my day sitting by my phone waiting for the call to come to pick my son up from school. I never feel like I have any freedom while he is at school. I am at a constant so frequently that I do not know how to give myself a break. I must constantly remind myself to make time for myself. I have forgotten what hobbies I once enjoyed because I have not had time to know myself outside of MOM. I am writing today to remind myself to prioritize my mental health and celebrate my accomplishments.