Some would call it "falling off the wagon," but I did not fall; rather, I stepped off. I would call it more procrastination than anything else, and I do not care what others think! It is very self-healing. It took some time for me, and I refer to it as a "mommy strike." I have taken a mental vacation, and it is as if I am just waking up and realizing how much time has passed; it is fine!
Things are not terrible, and I am doing well. Isaac is coping well right now. Things became intense. However, this last month has given me a sense of encouragement and relief to see how much a small change in medications can cause a fallback. This past month has given me time to recognize that we are on the right track. I was able to experience the satisfaction of knowing I had made wise decisions for my son's mental health and well-being. We reduced his medication (mood stabilizer) slightly to see if it was causing more anxiety. While doing so, we threw him into a manic state that, while 100 times better than 2020, was extremely intense. He is back on his regular dosage, and we are back to rocking and rolling in our happy home.
During this time, I stopped cleaning, blogging, studying and learning new things, and worrying. Most days, I stayed in my pajamas. I did nothing, everything, and whatever I desired. I liked it. I let go of my cleaning, stopped worrying about scheduling and everything else that had not been a priority in my life, and focused on those who were there to support me when I needed it. I stayed up late with my husband and children playing games and hated myself in the mornings, but I enjoyed it. I had forgotten what it felt like to simply be and enjoy it. We live by routine and appointments every day, and I forget what it is like to simply be. We became a normal summertime family, with some chaos thrown in, but we handled it well as a group. I simply did what I needed to do, and that is fine. My dishes are a mess, my laundry is behind, and my house is not perfectly organized or clean, and that is fine! I gave myself time to heal, recover from this crazy long summer, and become a more normal human, rather than a robot mom. I am still here, but sometimes, no matter how many goals and achievements we have, we must be our own heroes and let go.
I just wanted to let you all know that I am still around and writing on the side. Remember to take time for yourself too. It is okay not to always be okay!